I don’t know about you but to me there are some rather trivial things in life that I really hate. I’m not talking about things that you must do once and again that causes you some physical pain like going to the dentist or doing a blood exam (blood exams don’t cause pain, but it’s boring all the same). I’m talking about even more trivial things.
Things that are part of everyone’s life and that most people face it as natural or even with pleasure. Yes, as you will read in the following lines there are things I loathe that most people love. Yes, I’m already convinced that I’m not a normal person by any stretch of imagination but I can assure you I’m working on that. In the meantime I’d like to talk about those trite things that make me bent out of shape.
Number 5: Mimes. I hate mimes. Mimicry is probably the most idiotic thing ever invented. And the typical figure of the mime (a clown with a ridiculous white face, those white gloves and a black beret) is just repugnant. Those funny faces they made, those hands moving and the way they walk, it pisses me off totally.
Number 4: Long solos and jams at Rock And Roll concerts. As that character from Little Lulu, Alvin Jones would say: “If I was president of the world solos would be abolished from any Rock And Roll concert, with the exception of drum solos at Rush concerts”. Guitar, drum and keyboard solos are unbearable and don’t get me started on bass solos, probably one of the most boring things ever. And I also hate when the singer starts playing with the audience. Somebody must tell them that this is not cool (unless it’s Paul McCartney. Then its OK, cause he can do whatever the fuck he wants). And why the fuck Rock bands want to jam? Yes, I’m talking to you Deep Purple, Allman Brothers, Humble Pie, Led Zeppelin and other 70s bands. You’re supposed to have fun at a Rock concert, not be bored to death. Jazz concerts are different. Solos and jams come with the package.
Number 3: Movies with deep messages and/or people lying in bed . When I watch a movie I only want entertainment. I don’t want to think about my life, I don’t want to know what’s wrong with the world and, at least at that moment, I don’t give a shit about any social issue. I’m trying to forget about life and not to think harder about it. And what about movies with people agonizing in bed like The English Patient? Not to mention those with a character that has a terminal disease. I won’t watch a movie that will make me sad. I only watch movies with people in bed if they are having sex on it. Then it’s fine.
Number 2: Dance. I hate dances and I hate dancing. First of all, I have a natural swing comparable to a bookshelf, so I can’t dance. But lack of swing apart, I hate all forms of dance. Modern dance, classical dance, jazz, ballet, tap dance, you name it. It’s all just plain boring to me. I went to see The Nutcracker when I lived in London. Although the songs were wonderful (it was Tchaikovsky, after all) it was one of the most boring spectacles I ever watched. Not to mention Dance Music. Very few things make my stomach knots like watching people dance to Dance Music. Especially post-70’s Dance Music. I admit that the world had some great dancers (Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers were brilliant) but I don’t like to watch them.
Number 1: Weddings. Yes, my friends, that’s the number one trite thing I hate the most: weddings. I hate weddings with all my power. Actually I hate huge celebrations in general: weddings, graduations, New Year’s Eve in public places. I just put wedding at the top of the list because that’s what I hate the most. I loathe the dress code (shirts, suits, ties and shoes) and I do believe in God but I hate masses. And there’s the party. Everybody says to me: “I hate weddings too, but wedding parties are cool.” Not to me. I can’t see the fun in sitting on a table dressed as a penguin and just wait for the Bride and Groom. Even if you’re only with your best friends, I’d rather be in a bar with my best friends. And so fucking what that food and drinks are free? I’m usually so upset in those situations that I’m not even hungry. And I’m not much of a liquor drinker, which brings another interesting item to the table. At the end of the party there’s always the worst music possible blasting through the PA and nobody cares because everybody is drunk, even in you know that the couple marrying have great musical taste. Why? “Because we need to please everyone,” is the answer. Bullshit! That’s ridiculous. Anyway, I still go to marriages because I love my friends but even they don’t know how much of a sacrifice it is to me.
This list could go on: I hate pizzas and sandwiches with too many ingredients, I hate Pepsi, I hate Papa Smurf, I hate to hate…
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